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I was digging through old chatlogs looking something completely unrelated and came across some extremely cracky House chatfic that Juls and I perpetrated. I ended up distracting myself for a little bit with cleaning it up to post.

[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: Although, man, I am now kinda horribly tempted to commit further crack!fic in House involving mpreg.
[livejournal.com profile] jmtorres:hahaha.
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: House: "...Congratulations. You're... pregnant."
Chase: .....I'm male. Kinda physically impossible, here.
House: Yeah, it's weird, I know. Guess you're gonna be in a medical journal or three.
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: House: *gestures at ultrasaound*
Chase: *looks* ....what the holy fuck is that?
House: Wait, aren't you Catholic? Don't you believe that Mary didn't fuck?
Chase: I'm.... god, I'm pregnant, I really don't give a damn about religion right now!
House: Actually most people turn to religion in times of great personal stress.
Chase: Pregnant. DON'T CARE.
Wilson: ...that is, uh. Wow. We're sure it's not some horrible new disease?
House: Well, technically, it is. New parasite, anyway. I mean, we've got no documented cases of male pregnancy before our little Aussie got himself knocked up.
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: Chase: *hyperventilates*
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: Wilson: That can't be good for the baby, you know.
[livejournal.com profile] jmtorres:heeee. Who's the father? mother? thing?
[livejournal.com profile] jmtorres:other genetic donor?
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: I HAVE NO IDEA. *snickers*
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: Chase: ...I can't be pregnant. I'm male. I don't have a uterus. WHERE IS THE THING SUPPOSED TO BE GESTATING?
House: Well, it's an ectopic pregnancy, obviously. Carrying the fetus to term probably isn't going to be too healthy for you.
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: Chase: OH THANKS JUST WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR.
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: Cuddy: *hears about this* ...House, this isn't funny. Stop playing pranks on the poor boy.
Wilson: *cough* It's not a prank, actually. Amazing, I know. I ran the tests myself on equipment I know House hasn't been near.
Cuddy: Wilson, this isn't funny, and I wish you'd stop playing along with him.
Wilson: ....right, because I'm the one with a reputation for being a bastard, as opposed to being a reasonable and sane human being who attempts to check Houses's excesses. Fine! Check him out for yourself, Cuddy."
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: Cuddy: ...what the hell?!
Chase: This? This is a dream. A really really bad dream. Apparently someone slipped me some LSD last night. This is just a bad, bad trip.
[livejournal.com profile] jmtorres:Cuddy: *checks*
Cuddy: *pokes at ultrasound machine in vague horror*
Cuddy: Chase, you might want to consider getting checked out at another facility, it seems House has been everywhere.
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: *giggling*
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: Chase: ...bad trip. *mutters*
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: House: Yeah, because I'm so spry and quick these days.
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: Cuddy: *glare*
[livejournal.com profile] jmtorres:House starts calling Chase rabbit-killer, because of the number of pregnancy tests they've had to run.
[livejournal.com profile] jmtorres:"...House, you know we don't use actual rabbits anymore, right?"
"Yeah, but what kind of a nickname is 'pisser'?"
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: *dies*
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: Cameron? Cameron is all wigged but trying to Be Sympathetic And Helpful and Chase is all "Look, I appreciate it, but I'm pregnant and there's absolutely nothing you can do to make that any better so please stop because all it really makes me want to do is smack you, mmkaynow?"
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: Foreman is... I can't decide if he's laughing his ass off or freaked out by his co-worker.
[livejournal.com profile] jmtorres:Cameron: *starts telling the story of the accidental pregnancy she had once*
Chase: I think you are missing the point here.
Cameron: I'm just saying, it can happen to anyone, no matter how careful you are!
Chase: NOT IF YOU DON'T HAVE A UTERUS TO BEGIN WITH.
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: *dead*
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: House's best theory is someone slipped Chase some roofies and performed illegal medical experimental procedures on him.
[livejournal.com profile] jmtorres:Chase: *petulantly* Come on! I haven't even slept with any men lately! How could this POSSIBLY have happened? Cameron ovulated on me or something?
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: *dies*
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: Cameron: ....you sleep with men?
[livejournal.com profile] jmtorres:Foreman: Lately?
Chase: What?
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: *giggles*
[livejournal.com profile] jmtorres:House: What are you people, slow?
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: Wilson: Apparently. He practically wears a rainbow halo.
Chase: Hey! I do not! If anyone does around here it's the two of you.
[livejournal.com profile] jmtorres:House: Gay pride, man.
Wilson: Remember Stonewall.
Cameron and Foreman: *stare*
[livejournal.com profile] jmtorres:Foreman: I can never tell if they're just fucking with us, or what.
Cameron: They have to be. Wilson's *married.*
Chase: You're just clinging to the hope that House will one way fall heterosexually in love with you.
Cameron: *pouting*
Foreman: Is there another way he could fall in love with her?
Chase: Sapphically? She could impregnate him too.
[[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: *giggles*
[[livejournal.com profile] jmtorres:House: Aw, poor widdle Chase is feewwing emascuwated.
[[livejournal.com profile] jmtorres:Chase: Someone just tried to recommend an OBGYN to me. An OB*G**Y**N*.
[[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: Cameron: Well, they are very good to have during a pregnancy, most defects in newborns come from poor or non-existant neonatal care.
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: Chase: Yes, and if I had a uterus and ovaries that might be vaguely relevant but seeing as I don't, I don't think that a doctor trained in dealing with those portions of the body is going to be overwhelmingly helpful here!
[livejournal.com profile] jmtorres:House: Anyway, I'm taking this case. Duh.
[livejournal.com profile] jmtorres:Chase: *flee*
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: Wilson: *tracks him down* He's your best bet, really, you know.
[livejournal.com profile] jmtorres:House: Are you planning to breastfeed?
[livejournal.com profile] jmtorres:Chase: *flee*
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: Chase: We are finding someone who can perform an abortion on me because I am not carrying a child to term when I don't even have the fucking uterus to do so!
[livejournal.com profile] jmtorres:House: *gasp* And here I thought you were CATHOLIC.
Chase: Lapsed. Never more than at this moment.
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: House: Tsk. Be truthful, now--recovering. You're Catholic, it's a lot like being an alcoholic.
[livejournal.com profile] niqaeli: ....you realise that one or the other of us must post this to LJ in chatform if not in actual fic form. If only to share the pain!
[livejournal.com profile] jmtorres:I nominate you
[livejournal.com profile] jmtorres:to actually write it.
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